This Thought and the One After That

Weathering the Storm

2006-04-25T20:58:00.000-05:00

It is a crazy thing that in the middle of your adult life that everything shifts in such a way as to create total chaos. I realize many things now about how comfortable I was before. Things are still really difficult for me and my family right now and will be for some time now. I am risking everything for CycleSpace, I have put myself and my family in harms way for the sake of what I believe will be the thing that changes my life forever. I am not backing down not one little bit. My wife and I had a good but difficult talk tonight. She is an incredible women. Time with her is precious because we really only get about an hour a day during the work week, this is very different from where we were before. I see my son some, but not like it used to be.

To add to things it looks like I will be getting a second job. This will be tough but is necessary to make ends meet. It will mean working about 19 hours a day including travel time, sleeping about 3 and 2 hours for family time. Again none of this is disheartening, it is just necessary for the sake of the goal.

CycleSpace is up in its primitive form, we are now making adjustments to make it user friendly and visually appealing. I am also preparing to launch the TV side of it. Tommy Wood is going to shoot some video of me doing some tricks and stuff to upload and get the ball rolling.

I am so looking forward to ending this season but it could be a while. On a personal note I went to my friend Nick's wedding and it was a blast, a true celebration. I also got to hook up with Josh and Anna, they are awesome people, and Shana and I love to hang with them. We hope to be able to spend more time with them. Good times, touch base later, must go to work.

The Latest and Greatest

2006-04-22T00:36:00.000-05:00

Well things are still on uneven ground in many areas but definitely making progress. I heard an interesting comment by a person who came in QT this week, after reading the headline in the newspaper about the immigration scuttle, this guys says "those bitches can stay at home where they belong..." I wondered what type of work this man was in, I wondered why he had such angst against Hispanic people? Did he not see the help they are to the economy? I thought it was sad to see this type of attitude, I know I have many of my own as well, but I still thought it was sad. I went back to youth this week, and shared what I felt the Lord had put on my heart. I felt it was well received. It was nice being back involved, but I don't know for how long.

Tonight I got a call from yet another person in the church who I think is moving on. In many ways I am so over all of this stuff. I just can't deal with it any more. I guess I take it very personal, and maybe I shouldn't. But they call and like yeah this and that, and then oh yeah how are you doing in your new job. I was like cordial but not much else. In fact when they said they wanted to meet up, I basically said they should talk to who was over their ministry now, and if they were leaving the church that was cool, but there was no need to meet. I think it took them back a bit. I am just not gonna hem haw around, if you wanna go cool, but I have better things to do with my time than leave what little time I have with my family to hear someone sit down to tell me they are leaving. I guess I do still have issues to deal with in that regard, but circumstances are different for me now, and my time is very precious.

Anyway God has shown me some cool things this week, and I am growing in ways I never anticipated, and that is cool.

As for my business things are going great, the site is up and becoming better by the day. It is a lot of work I will tell you that. It will be worth it soon because the response I am getting from people is awesome. I am in Birmingham AL. right now and there is a superbike race here this weekend, so there are tons of riders. I have had the chance to talk with several and they are stoked about the site. We are hoping to have it up in the first full phase by next Friday. After that the goal is 10,000 people in the first month. I have a person who is volunteering there time to be in charge of our sales and marketing. They are great on the phone and passionate about what we are trying to do. This will be a great fit.

I am also contacting some large companies to create win-wins for both them and us, to help take the site to the next level. I figure that at month 3 we will be profitable, and month 6 may need an investor to go to the next level. I am putting leads out right now to journalists who may be interested in hopping on board and writing for CycleSpace, this will prove to be an important part as well. Chad and Darrell are rocking and rolling working hard to accomplish the goals that we have set. I am so antsy to see what happens after this thing rolls out.

We will begin our PR campaign the first week of May, this is also important. Right now my main focus is to get people who are highly influential connectors on board, because when a connector is on board you are set.

Not much else, things are rocky at home, but we will weather the storm, and come through stronger than ever. I love my wife so much her unconditional love, and support of me, even when I don't deserve it is awesome. Hopefully the reward for the sacrifice is just around the corner.

Progress

2006-04-18T17:45:00.000-05:00

Well one more day and then I have a couple of days off. Actually I have four days off, cause I am going to my friend Nick's wedding. I was honored that he asked me to be in it. I am looking forward to hanging out with Nick and Josh. I really enjoy their company even though I rarely get to hook up with them due to the changes over the last few months. Today got some pretty good news. It is likely I will start building my first house very soon, we could be closing this week. I am excited about that. I would still have to work at QT but after my first one sold I could quit. I am also gonna buy and sell cars to make a few extra dollars. The money at QT is decent but not enough. I am staying focused on the picture that I have painted for myself, and will continue to work the angles that I need to, to accomplish it. Talk to ya soon.

Whatever

2006-04-17T17:06:00.000-05:00

Well the pace of life right now sucks, in fact everything sucks except for the one thing I am working on launching which is cyclespace, which is going really well. Aside from that everything else blows, and I mean bad. It is really all that I care about right now. I will succeed through this, and then I am going to change many, many things about my life. The things I am going to change aren't material things, but things that a person can change when they have money. Money brings with it tremendous freedom, and it is that freedom I am striving for. Until that point I am going to trudge through this season of my life. My family life is on the fritz, my son is going through some challenges, and I am not really emotionally available, am at times hard with him, and I hate that. I can't tell ya how bad the schedule of working a 3rd trick job sucks, it has really taken a toll on me and my wife. I do know this I am extremely focused right now. We will be launching the first phase this Friday, and then the Beta release will be the following Friday. Any way just wanted to vent for a bit, this will all be over soon.

My so called life

2006-04-12T07:51:00.000-05:00

There is a line in Ozzy Osbornes song "road to nowhere" where he says he "remembers all the things he was gonna be" and then he talks about all the things that he isn't. Now I must say that while I never really expected to be working 3rd shift at QT at 31 years old with a family. I will say that I am going somewhere. I have very distinct goals, that I feel can be achieved, given my new environment. I hate working 3rd shift it is screwing up all of my habits and rythems that I have worked to establish. I don't see my wife hardly at all, and wednesday's and thursday's don't feel like the weekend even though they are for me given my new schedule. The person who hasn't felt any effects of this is my son, to him everything is the same, and for that I am very glad.

Things are picking up nicely though, and I don't think I will be working there come summer, maybe till fall we will see. My Cycle shop is doing quite well, and picking up every week. It is now sustaining itself and the one person we have on staff, and making a profit which we are sinking back in the company. I have officially set up my corporation with my brother. Accellerated Enterprises is what we chose, and boy let me tell you that getting a name is very difficult, everyone we tried we couldn't use because it was to much like someone else's. We have a bunch of the code that we need to launch our site, and are working on the additional code that we need.

Now for what it will be. We are launching cyclespace a social network for motorcycle enthuisiasts, I won't bore you with all the goodies we are incorporating into it, but I will post the link once it is up and going, and if you dig motorcycles you can check it out.

So yesterday I was coming home from a long day and saw someone in my neighborhood washing his bike, I passed by and waved, but then I said hey its time to start to get the buzz going. So I backed up and engaged in conversation with him. I asked him if he would dig something like cyclecpace, he siad definitely. As I was leaving I asked if he had a way I could let him know when it is up. He responded with his email address and then told me if I sent it to him he would put it on his motorcycle clubs website. The crazy thing is they are an international, yes I siad international club, they have around 5000 members. He is a leader in the club. How cool is that instant publicity worldwide, right there on their homepage. I was like so stoked. Like I said it shouldn't be long.

In addition to all that I have someone who is taking care of our PR for us for free, I will of course bountifully take care of them when payday comes if you know what I mean. Anyway I just have to grind this phase of my life out, and get where I want to go. And nothing is going to stand in my way or stop me. I know what I want, I can see the picture of who I want to be in the future and I am going for it.

Let the games begin

2006-04-05T07:59:00.000-05:00

Well it is Wednesday, and this begins what is now my weekend if you will, meaning that I have two days off in a row. Today my family and I are heading down to the Aquarium. We only got to see a couple of the exhibits last time down. I am looking forward to the time with the family.

The pace of my life is about to pick up significantly. I will be working 3 jobs, one of which is launching one of my companies, I will be doing lawn maintenance for a builder group, this could grow into something really nice in regard to extra cash. Actually I haven't gotten to the best part of what has transpired yesterday and in the past couple of weeks.

First of all my brother and I are forming our own company, actually it will be the parent company of several ventures that we are working on. I have to say I am super stoked. I am so happy to be able to be doing something like this with my brother. We both share great work ethic which we got from our mom and dad, and we work great together. So anyway yesterday we purchased the domain name for an internet venture which will still remain nameless, but I can tell you that it stands to make us a lot of money. I got the idea a couple of months ago, and developed it to the point where I wanted to act on it. Then I pulled Chad in because, well first and foremost he is my boy, second I would love to see him succeed in a big way, and he offers a lot that will benefit us now and down the road.

We paid $1700 for the domain rights, and I am working on getting the name trademarked, and another name of someone who has a domain name closely linked to try and trip them up a bit and give us a head start. A critical piece to the puzzle was the person who could create programs and write code, that's where Darrell Peden came in, I approached him shared the idea and he liked what he heard. So we have given him stock in the company in return for his ability to help us all be successful.

I am very motivated and extremely focused right now. I am hoping that this will grow into something that I will be able to do things for the people I love, and for my church, that I can't do by simply hitting a clock working for someone else. I am doing that right now as well, and it is going well. I figure if I can work my way up in management it will look good on my resume.

I have seen several people at my new store, and each time it is very amusing to watch people's faces as they look and try to figure out what I am doing working at QT. God is showing me new things and that is cool. But there are also some feelings about all the crap that still keeps hitting my dad and the church, and kinda make me wonder what in the world is up, and just when it will all cool down. But again I must remind myself that God only has so much control, we have a will, and decisions are made. I have peace about pursuing the business side of things, and living for Christ there.

Tough Talk and the day after

2006-03-30T17:28:00.000-05:00

Well last night I told the kids about what choices the church had to make, and that I was impacted with those decisions. It was kinda awkward because this was the night where we were honoring Sean and Salena friends of mine who have served on the youth ministry team for 6 yrs. and are moving to London. They have been preparing for this move for some time now. I wrestled with when to tell the youth, but because of when the church found out, coupled with the fact of one of my new jobs that requires me to work nights I really had to tell them last night. I didn't want them wondering about what was going on with my, why I would be absent so much. I did my best to communicate in a way that would be positive but also set them up for my absence in the future.

One of the things in ministry that is so totally exhausting is all the different angles and emotions of everyone involved whenever you are communicating. And it seems that no matter how hard you try, or whats going on in your heart there are always people who feel that it should have been done different, could have been done better, and so on. Typically that is coupled with the fact that they feel they could have done a better job. It is always so easy to sit and criticize someone else who is making decisions that effect others, but we rarely consider how it effects them personally.

Any way I had a fabulous day with my son today, I am doing my best to make the time I am with him really count, because they will be scarce for a while. My schedule will be anything but normal. I will be working 2-3 jobs, to pay off some of my debt, and position myself to be able to put money into my ventures. We spent almost our entire time outside, playing football, soccer, riding his scooter in the cul de sac, and he helped me to wash my Jeep.

I then came inside to help clean the house for Shana, order is a big part of my life, and if things are crazy schedule wise, having a home that is orderly and kept is very important. Over the next few weeks I will be tackling projects outside getting it up to speed since it is spring time. This is my favorite time of the year, perfect for the Jeep with the top down, or a "casual" and "slow" ride on my bike. I took a Sunday a few weeks ago to ride up to the mountains with my friend Brian, it is very therapeutic.

Anyway I am back to blogging now that everything is out in the open. I don't know what my content will be, most likely less ministry stuff, and more God, family, and business.

Thoughts about life and the Job

2006-03-29T09:45:00.000-05:00

Things are going pretty well right now at the new job, I have been getting high marks on all my daily reviews, and seem to be picking things up pretty well. I do like the job, and it is cool being around others outside of the circle that I have been engulfed in for the past 8 years.

It has given me a new perspective on my faith, in fact it is helping me to discover things about God. When one spends their life in ministry and always being around Christians, and their job is to be spiritual, and help others grow in their relationship with God it can be a bit deceiving in some regards. For instance you can think you are doing really well, when in fact you are just fulfilling your responsibilities as a pastor. Not to say I am doing bad, but it has revealed certain relinquish that I had on certain things, things that created a sense of security in my walk with Christ. I am excited about this next leg of my journey, and want to grow in my understanding of Christ and fulfilling my role as a Christ follower in the world.

Funny story, as you know I work at Quick Trip. So this morning I was ringing someone out they came up with their drink then said "and can I get..." Then they paused and looked at me for a minute intensely, and said, "hey aren't you Jeremy Wolfe, the one from the church?" I said yes, then realizing who each other was. Awkward moment as he was trying to figure out what I was doing here. I asked him "what else was it that you wanted" He says to me "oh nothing just the drink". I was wondering what else he wanted. Did he not get something because it was me, and thought he shouldn't or that it would change my perception of him.

This is so funny to me, and sad. If we as Christ followers could be ourselves and not have to worry about others "judgments" it would be awesome. The sad thing is that no matter what else it was that he wanted it definitely wouldn't have changed my view of who this person was or was not.

Just another example that people feel that the most judged place in the world is the church, instead of being the most loving, gracious and accepting place on the planet. They feel comfortable being themselves outside, or not around christians. Some have begun to change this, I am one, and want others to join in the fun.

Starting a new chapter

2006-03-26T23:50:00.000-05:00

Well it has been sometime since I have blogged with any regularity. The reason is because of the changes that have been taking place in my life I haven't been able to disclose what has been going on till tonight. Why tonight you may ask? Well tonight was our business meeting for the church that I have been working for. Tonight our church was told that we were having to lay 3 people off to help our church rectify the financial short comings, and I was one of those who were laid off. Now I will tell you that a few months ago I new that changes had to be made, and I was working to try to free up my salary, so that maybe some others may be spared this.

I have many feelings inside, particularly because my dad and mom planted the church and built it from scratch. The trials that we have faced in the past 2 plus years have been due to the changes being made in regard to how we the church function, and the ethos that wanted our community to take on. I am saddened by the pressure and pain that I have watched my mom and dad go thru, however I am proud at their resolve to carry out the vision that God has given them, one that I must say resonates with me quite well.

So where does that leave me. I have no interest to work for any institution, with the exception of our church, nor am I interested at this time to plant a church of my own. I am interested in securing financial security for my family and its future. I am forming a corporation, and have 2 business ventures that I am pursuing, and I have someone else who has offered to help me get in the building business on the residential side. It will take some time to get that going. Right now I am keeping all my options open, yet going after some of my ideas. As far as making a living, I have been hired as an assistant manager at Quick Trip. It seems to be a great company and I look forward to excelling there, until one of my ventures takes off to the point where it can support me.

As far as my current ministry responsibilities. I am going to as involved as I possibly can in our youth ministry. But am not sure how long that will be able to last. I am proud of a young man that I have been mentoring to take on the youth ministry. I am not sure how much I have helped him though. He has a great heart for ministry and a passion for the kids. Leaving this part of my life behind is no easy thing. So while my position may change, and for a time I may pursue other things for financial reasons. I am not abandoning the call of God on my life, nor my place in the kingdom of God.

I will say that I am exciting to get the opportunity to interact with other people outside of Christians day in and day out. I have to say that my wife has been a huge benefit to me and our family during this time. Her support and encouragement have been awesome.

The atmosphere tonight was encouraging as well. While I am sure that there is gonna be some fall out, the way people applauded and rallied around the vision and the future was awesome. To me it was another pivotal moment in our journey. And I am certain that God is going to do some awesome things through the part of his Church.

Infinite Possibilities

2006-03-14T22:44:00.000-05:00

Life is full of possibilities and opportunities. It is up to one to both see and seize them. My life right now is full of them, and somethings are shifting, though I am still unable to share at this point. I can say that I am working on opportunities that are before me. I am asking God for his help in discerning the path to take. For a while I was quite afraid. I feared failure more than anything, not any more. I am more afraid of being a failure than failing itself.

God is doing awesome yet very difficult things in our faith community. My father and mother, in fact my whole family is going thru a lot right now. We are certainly ready to fully come out of the storm. It has been along road, difficult, but at the the end I believe the struggle will pay great dividends. Not financially but in regard to the Kingdom of God.

I am inspired by my parents and their commitment to do what God has asked them to do, at all costs. God is doing something new, something different, and many are taking hold of that vision. I am also inspired by others such as Josh and Nick, good friends of mine who have also laid it all on the line for the cause of Christ. These people along with others are redefining God, faith, the the journey that we are all on in search of meaning in them.

I look forward to the future, I forget the past, and like the Apostle Paul, strain toward the prize. No matter what happens in my life the call of God on my life. He hasn't forsaken me, and I will not forsake him. Though I have been a bit dormant and have definately had my struggles, both personal and professional, I continue to do the only thing I know to do. And that is put one foot in front of the other, and as a song I once heard "keep Steppin".

Quote...(Polar Express)
"Sometimes the most real things in the world are the things that we can't see."

A different life

2006-03-01T00:18:00.000-05:00

It has been quite a while since I have written lately and the reasons are many. Life as of late has been anything but routine, safe, stable, secure, and any other words you may want to throw in. I have made some decisions on my own that were not that bright to say the least, other things have been kinda a necessity. My life is in the middle of a huge transition, one that to be honest with you scares the hell out of me.

I have sorta a dualistic personality, sort of fight or flight kinda thing. Many times I display both, simultaneously. I have kinda been thinking about my confidence in who I am, who I am not, and lastly who I would like to be. To many I seem to be a pretty confident dude, and I guess given the right set of circumstances I am. It is funny circumstances many times at least for me determines confidence. Then and probably most importantly you have the God factor, the place we should find and place our confidence. Though this is sometimes more easily said than done.

As I have the tendency to do, because I am a control freak, I have taken the wheel. How much do we determine our own destiny? How much of a role does God play?

I am coming out of my shell, and going after what I want. I am believing that God will help me to succeed. I do have some shell shock, but at the end of the day as they say nothing ventured nothing gained.

My son is pretty much oblivious to all that is going on in life right now, except for the occasional overflow of emotion sometimes. My wife and I are committed to going thru whatever together. We have been through other things, though this may prove to be the biggest one yet. One thing I am confident of is God's love for me, and the strength of our family. I guess that is actually two things.

Some of this is kinda vague I know but needed to atleast get some of this out. As I can share more in depth I will. I reflect as I leave tonight with feeling that I has while standing on top of the Empire State Building...There is a world out there with unlimited opportunities and potential. So lets just see what comes of them.

Good to be home

2006-02-11T14:48:00.000-05:00

I have to say that all in all my experience with this trip was good. We had a great time and did get to meet some cool people. Here are some pics of the trip.

Statue of Liberty from the top of the Empire State Building

Me and Dad on top of Empire State Building

Time Square

Enough said...

This was where and how we gathered for our conversation

Dad talking to Miroslav

Me and Dad

Twin Tower Site...This was very sareal

Pentegon Names of those whose lives were lost

Names of those who lost there lives in the WTC

The "Conversation"

2006-02-07T23:25:00.000-05:00

I am happy to report that my brother and his wife, gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on Saturday at 5:01pm, Isabella was 8lbs 4oz's. She is awesome. I got to hold her. Each time I get to hold a young baby, I am reminded at the grandness of God. It is awesome. I am looking forward to being a great uncle for her, and of course spoiling her rotten, as much as I can anyway.

Well, I am currently up in Conn. at the university of Yale. I am here for a theological conversation with Miroslav Volf, we are discussing the aspects of Exclusion and Embrace. It has been ok, honestly not what I expected. But it has been good. The high point is meeting new people and the interaction with them in between the conversation. I have had the priviledge of spending time with Doug Pagitt, who came and talked with me and my dad for about a half hour. Then we had time with Brian McLaren, when he came, at the prompting of my friend Josh, to sit with us at our table tonight while we were out hanging out at an establishment. It was cool to hear from him about where Emergent is heading, and what the goals are. He also shared some cool stories.

The best thing has been honestly the time I have been able to spend with my dad. To be able to let my hair down so to speak. We got to come a little early cause we were fly into NYC. I got to eat in the city at Carnagie's Deli, go to the Empire State Building, it was incredible. I also went to Trump Tower, though they told me "The Donald" wasn't available, maybe I will catch him on the way back through.

I am still working through a bit what my future looks like a bit. I have been talking to my dad about things, and that has been good.

Much to do about everything

2006-02-04T17:00:00.000-05:00

So so so, it has been quite a while since I have stuck something up in the blogosphere. I guess I have been waiting to see how certain things pan out. I have some areas of my life that I am certain now are going to be shifting. I will go public on them in a bit. Now for a few other personal bits.

First off, this week my son Caleb turned 5, on February 1st. We had a great day. Actually on his birthday we took him along with my parents, and Shana's mom, to the bowling alley. He absolutely loves to go bowling. It was a good time together. Then this year my wife coordinated to have his party at Chuck -e-Cheese. We had some a couple of Caleb's close friends come and hang and our family. Caleb got more presents than you can imagine. He was of course totally delighted, particularly since almost everything was Spiderman stuff.

Today I am at the hospital, my brother is with his wife, and they are giving birth to my niece Isabella Marie. I am so very excited. I am proud of Chad and Annie. They are going to make great parents. More on this in a bit.

And lastly I am making my final read thru Miroslav's books. I have had to do a lot of cramming to get it in, as I have been tied up with some other things. I leave on Monday for Yale. I am looking forward to both the discussion, and the time to hang out with my dad.

Lost in Space

2006-01-18T23:09:00.000-05:00

Feeling a little whoozy these days. Don't know what to say really just lots of confusion, instability, and maybe a dash of fear. Fear is something that I don't like, though I don't no anyone who does. I have a saying "I have been alot of things but scared ain't never been one of them". I guess thats about it, just trying to continue to sort things out. Sorry I've been short to anyone who reads this regularly, but for now this is all I have.

Mixing it up

2006-01-12T00:07:00.000-05:00

Tonight we had our weekly youth gathering it went well I thought. I was excited cause a good friend of mine was coming in to lead worship for us. I thought it went very well. I am looking forward to see how the kids respond the next time he comes back. I am really wanting to see our kids break out.

I met with my counselors yesterday. It was a tough meeting as the content stirred up many things, good things in my life as far as decisions that I may be needing to make. I am wanting though to do what God wants me to do. Trying not to figure things out intellectually, but really understand what God wants me to do. I will continue to seek his will.

Great Ride

2006-01-09T22:53:00.000-05:00

Things have been going well lately in most arenas. This weekend was a lot of fun, got a lot accomplished. Family life is good, more on that later.

I had my Sunday night gathering with my senior high students, we had good attendance. I have begun to put more focus on our topics and where we are going. My focus is on servanthood. I feel that our students need to get involved in service. We will be focusing on our schools, our city, and our local faith community. The Lord showed me a lot of cool things in scripture. I challenged them to begin attending our church on Sunday mornings. I know that may sound weird, but many of our students are from families that don't attend any where. It is imperative that we have all generations playing their part in the body.

This is where the second part of the challenge came in. I am asking them to serve in our children's ministry. When Jesus came he emphasized service. I feel with any follower of Christ that after making the choice to follow Christ that this should be the next step.

I will say that I did way to much talking and not near enough listening, or giving opportunity to dialog about the content. I am still working through how these gatherings should go. Not enough focus and direction and it is confusing, and ambiguous, feeling as it lacks intentionality. This time to much content, and felt more like a sermon. I will continue to work to develop as a leader in this environment.

Tonight I had a great time. I got a call from a friend who wanted to go ride our bikes to hang out for awhile with another friend. The weather was awesome. They were wanting it to just be the guys, but I insisted that I wanted my wife to come. After much scrambling I was able to come up with a sitter last minute. We rode down to Atlantic Station, its a new development in down town Atlanta. We ate at California Pizza Cafe. It was a good time, many laughs. It was fun to be with my wife, we both really enjoy riding together. I love getting out on my bike it is such a freeing experience.

Life in general is good, still seeking God about certain areas of my life.

A new year, and a couple thoughts...

2006-01-01T23:34:00.000-05:00

Its the first day of a new year and with it brings much anticipation for what this year will have in store.

I had the priviledge of hanging out with a close group of my friends, hanging out having a great time being together as the new year arrived. Dj was spinning up some tasty tunes on the decks, he is very talented. My wife and I played poker for a while with some others, and she did quite well, I was proud of her. There was dancing, silliness, good food and drinks, definitely the best new years party that I have been to. I love good memories, and making them with close friends.

Now to go a bit philosophical on you, a friend and I were talking and he posed a good question. Are humans altruistic? Is God altruistic?

definition:
1. Selflessness: an attitude or way of behaving marked by unselfish concern for the welfare of others
2. Belief in acting for others' good: the belief that acting for the benefit of others is right and good

Curious what your thoughts are on this.

As many of you know I have been reading a book Exclusion and Embrace. I read a bit a while ago that I really liked.

"Sometimes the dehumanization and consequent mistreatment of others are a projection of our own individual or collective hatred of ourselves; we persecute because we are uncomfortable with strangeness within ourselves. Others become scapegoats, concocted from our own shadows as repositories for our sins and weaknesses so we can relish the illusion of our sinlessness and strength."

"We exclude also because we are uncomfortable with anything that blurs accepted boundaries, disturbs our identities and disarranges our symbolic cultural maps."

Isn't it many times this way with Christianity? Is this how we came to draw so many hard lines about things, as a way of disguising our own sin, and helping us to accept ourselves, and our "sinlessness" or our "less-sinly-ness"?

Anyway things are good in life, I am hoping for a good year and wish all of you the best.

My family, and a heritage to live for

2005-12-25T00:52:00.000-05:00

Today was a good day, in fact a great day. We woke up this morning, and had our Christmas with Caleb and Shana. It was very nice. Then we joined with my mom, and dad, and my brother and his wife, to take in Atlanta new aquarium. We had a good time, and left after having seen a couple of the exhibits. We will have many opportunities to go back, since my parents bought us season passes.

After returning to my mom and dads, dad was busy in the kitchen preparing our meal. Dad always makes us something special for our meal. We had a nice time while dad shared from the word, and encouraged us in our place in God's kingdom. Then we took communion and ended with a prayer for our families and the new year. Then we opened presents.

I ended this night coming home thinking of our family and how special they are to me. I am amazed at my brother and his wife. They are some of the most generous people I have ever been around. And it is so pure, they just love to give, and bless people. I guess I do on some levels but not like them. My mom and dad have created a family, and heritage that I am very proud of. In fact I want to do my part in continuing the traits that my parents have created in our family.

I hope your holiday was filled with much love and fun with your family.

Extreme Christmas Makeover

2005-12-22T00:27:00.000-05:00

In the midst of a very chaotic, and many times stressful time of the year, it is good to be apart of something that has brought some kindness to someone in need. Our faith community has reached out to four families in our city who have needs, and wouldn't have been able to provide gifts, and other things for their families.

We did as much as we could to be a tremendous blessing to their families. We brought in decorations for inside and out. Meal for them to prepare on Christmas day. Gifts for everyone in the family. Also took care of some of their bills that were troubling them. It was very cool because we were able to provide everything on the list.

I am proud of our church, and the future we are striving for. I am troubled a bit by the strugglee that it is. I pray that God will see our efforts, and the heart of our pastor, and honor it.

Special moments with Caleb...Priceless

2005-12-19T00:34:00.000-05:00

I am feeling the best I have in quite a few days, I had the more energy, and fever was gone. I still have a sore throat, and cough, but that is no big deal. Good to be back on my feet. Any way, life has been out of balance for the past few days, as the only attention I have paid to anything is my health. And with my wife being sick as well, our son hasn't gotten any attention. If you know anything about me you would know that this is very troubling to me. I never ever, ever, want him to feel that anything is more important than him(or my wife for that matter). But to me and my wife we cherish our time with Caleb. I love how he gestures to me about how much we love him, extending his arms as wide as he can, saying "this much" and we imitate in an even grander gesture, saying "this much, and more".

I Love our family, and with Caleb being an only child there are certainly drawbacks, but there are also great rewards, that I don't think can be easily discounted.

Anyway tonight I had several experiences, and moments which were priceless. Seriously those moments in life in which pure love, enjoyment of each other individually, as well as who we are together.

I decided it was time to get out of the house for a minute, so we went out to get something to eat. On the way, I took my son to get him a new video game that he wanted for his Gameboy. Yes I know Christmas is a few days away, but I love giving my son things that bring him joy. On our way home from dinner I tell Caleb we want to have some "Caleb time" when we get home. This is time that me and Shana take during the course of our normal week to spend with him, undivided attention, no TV in the background just us and him, doing whatever tickles his fancy. Oh yeah, and I normally ask that it not involve video games.

First on the agenda was a game called "wheels on the bus", it was fun, as we sang the song with the little yellow bus going around the board. Then came our army game, this was also fun, although I always have to be the bad guy, and Caleb always gets to be the helicopter and shoot me down.

I asked what was next, and he said he wanted to get his Veggie Tales Christmas CD and sing it together. This was when the scale tipped. As we sat in our living room, all together on the floor listening to the CD. Caleb was singing and it was so precious, his eyes were filled with love, and joy, that words couldn't do justice. Then he began to do cartwheels on the floor over and over again. After coming back to join us for a couple more songs, I turned to my wife and said "it's moments like this I wouldn't trade for anything"

If you have read this far your a real trooper, I just had to write my feelings out a bit, and have a place to remind myself, and maybe others, to enjoy all those around you, and the life that you have. Life is truly God's greatest gift. God thanks for my family, my loving wife and son, dad and mom, brother and sister in-law, extended family, and friends that make my life awesome.

Sick, and a crummy week

2005-12-17T21:39:00.000-05:00

This hasn't been a good week at all, well at least the later portion of it anyways. I have been sick, along with my wife. I have been resting since thursday. We had a friend who is a doctor come to our house and check us out. Shana has had a fever around 103 all day today, and I have had one on and off, around 102. We got some meds prescribed. Hope they will get us back on our feet. I miss hanging out with our son, I haven't been able to do much at all with him, and I know it bums him out as much as it does us. I am constantly reminded what a special gift a child is. He brings much joy in in the most despairing situations. Not much else right now.

Inclusion vs Exclusion

2005-12-07T23:11:00.000-05:00

There are quotes that I would like to reference in the book I and some of my friends are wrestling with. A look to history is filled with stories of both exlcusion, and embrace. The dealing with these issues many times becomes a very confusing, and difficult. In relation to the Church this has created much animosity among many different groups of people and have alienated many groups. Can we be truly inclusive people, accepting of all, if so how?

"The logic in the modern story of inclusion suggests that "keeping out" is bad and "taking in" is good. But is this always right?"

And if we take everything in then what do we stand for?

In one of my discussions with friends we offered the thought that having one foot in our culture with our identity, and the other in Christ that this allows for in fact creates the ability in ourselves to be inclusive, and accepting of people.

Miraslov offers this thought:
"without boundaries we will be able to know only what we are fighting against but not what we are fighting for. Intelligent struggle against exclusion demands categories and normative criteria that enable us to distinguish between repressive identities and practices that should be subverted and nonrepressive one that should be affirmed. Second, "no boundaries" mean not only "no intelligent agency" but in the end "no life" itself."

Further he writes:
"the absence of boundaries creates nonorder, and nonorder is not the end of exclusion but the end of life itself."

"A consistent pursuit of inclusion places one before the impossible choice between a chaos without boundaries and oppression with them."

I find these things to be difficult to grapple with and live out in our life. Many times the things we stand for in good conscience in fact do as much harm as those done with an evil heart.

I want to be a person which is accepting and doesn't seek to exclude or become oppressive to any person, or people group. But the struggle comes in how we do this and still stand for Christ, and seek to live in his way.

I have found upon digging in my own life that I am not as inclusive as I seek to be, and am dealing with how this plays out in my own life, as to not alienate myself from others, yet be true to who I am and what I stand for.

Got Feelings?

2005-11-30T01:31:00.000-05:00

Today was an incredible day. I went to the counselors that I have been seeing for a couple of months now. I have to say It was awesome, and while I don't want to go into detail in this format for it would be long, and difficult to write out. I will say that God has opened up a new path that I have never explored. It is a bit scary, but more exhilaration than anything though. I had an incredible date night last night with my wife. She is an amazing women, and am thankful for our love for each other, and the relationship we have. It has been a while since we have had a date night, as I am a bit or a lot bad in that area. Last thing quick, is my son. He is the most amazing young man, I love to look into his soft eyes, full of love and life. He inspires me everyday. I know I won't be a perfect father, and in fact do many boneheaded things, but I want to instill destiny and purpose in his heart. Be an example of Christ for him.

Food for thought:
Have you ever considered that the Americanized Christian faith that so many live, is comprised of not just knowing God intellectually, gathering bits and pieces of what someone "discerns" scripture to say of who God is. Many times creating a sort of facts sheet or bio of God. In addition to this they minimize the feelings, and emotional side of our relationship with God, how we feel about God. Many will in fact say that the feelings are the "caboose", not necessary to make the engine go.

How could this be? Creator God, created this sensory driven reality in which you and I exist, then takes that aspect out of our relationship with him. Which best we can tell was the reason for creation, to be in relationship with us. The reason for this line of thought, I think is to feel safer, its a neat little answer to bring us comfort. I mean what do you tell a teenage girl who comes to you and says I just don't feel God? How about saying we should feel, and feel often. Would this make us leave the safety zone of contentment, believing that "this lack of feeling and emotion" is what God's best is for us in our relationship with him?

Could it be that those we read of in scripture when they write of their hunger, their thirsting for him, come from a place of knowing that God is meant to be felt, and in fact that they experienced that, and often, and wanted to continue to pursue him?

But again this is one way street, us feeling God, and experiencing him. What about how God feels about us, his emotion toward us that can be felt by each one of us. A lot of us don't want to, or haven't thought maybe about this, and I am not talking about the "book" answers. How does God feel about you. Are we afraid of that? I am and was, and still am, because I am afraid of what that would mean for me. Would he feel I measured up? I want to take the "Book" answers, and wrap personalized emotions and words, spoken by God to me. I want a keepsakes box, in fact boxes that I store all the little notes, and cards that God writes to me.

All this time, I have been talking about this "there you are" with my relationship with others, but haven't thought about God feeling that about me, in a deep, personal and felt capacity. I want to feel, and experience God's presence in my life and not just in sensory driven "service", or "gathering" environments. In my every day life, my waking up and my lying down, and all that is in between.

Pursuit of a different reality

2005-11-28T00:51:00.000-05:00

Tonight we had our student based learning community. It was good, I think. I do recognize that it is a bit different from anything the kids, and maybe the adults who come have been used to. Many times it seems they are wanting me to talk, but I am trying to be disciplined, since talking come so easy for me, to instead ask questions, and pull from each one who is gathering. I am wanting us to wrestle with issues of scripture and life, and not just listen to a talk. If we all take part in this and dig into deeper meanings and feelings about issues and scripture. I am proud of the kids, and excited that they continue to come out. I asked a couple who were here for a bit later what their thoughts were. They said they always look forward to coming, like that the topics change and that it is interactive. They liked that they didn't have to share all the time but could jump in whenever they had something. Tonight we didn't worship in the traditional sense. Instead with the inspiration of a friend of mine chose to close with a Cold Play song, with lyrics written out.

We have been talking about otherness, since this is something that is on my mind, and also feel it is important to learn how Jesus would embrace others. Judging others is something that we all deal with.

Xbox, thanks, and a movie...

2005-11-24T23:53:00.000-05:00

I have had a good week. There are many things in life that are going well. Many things on the horizon that excite me. I may share more as they continue to materialize. This week I was one of the lucky few who scooped up on the the Xbox 360's Premium package. It was quite an experience. As I met up with a couple of my friends at Best Buy. With weather not being very nice, rain, wind, and low temp, made for a chilling experience. Though a friend of mine who had a tent in his car, gave us relief from the elements. I received the final ticket for the premium set, very nice. I bought it with the intentions of turning it on eBay for a considerable profit.

I woke up this morning, after having a nice romantic evening with my wife. It was very refreshing time for us, since this past week and a half has been very busy and spent much time apart. I went for my run but this time had a companion, Nalla. Nalla is my brothers dog that I am sitting while he is out of town. It was very cool we had a nice run, and plan on running with her tomorrow. As I ran I was inspired by God's creation, and the beauty that each day holds. I was also thinking of how even in the darkest of situations that glimmers of goodness can be found.

Today was a good day with our families. First lunch and the afternoon with Shan's family. Then dinner at my mom and dad's house where my grandma and her husband Herb, who come down each year for Thanksgiving. They have done this for the 19 years in which we have lived down here. I think that is pretty cool. We had a good time, though I never eat very much cause I usually over eat at lunch. I try to remember every day how blessed we are.

Last note I watched a fantastic movie this week, Crash. It deals with judgments, stereotypes of social and ethnic social issues in humanity. I thought it was done very nicely, and artistically, and love how the story came together. I liked how they dealt with issues that are many times thought but seldom spoke about, but none the less go on in everyday life. I definitely reflected and thought about whether I was guilty of the things showed. I am going to use this for future talks, and conversations. I want our kids and those around me to dialog and wrestle with the thought provoking aspects of this movie. It gave me vivid images to go with words and thoughts I am reading about "otherness" in Exclusion and Embrace.

A step on the wild side

2005-11-17T00:06:00.000-05:00

Today was a very good, and busy day. Things in the youth ministry are going well. We are progressing, and the kids are enjoying themselves. Our team seems to be clicking well again. It has been refreshing after coming thru some very difficult times. Our church is still going thru its transition. It is certianly no easy task leaving one matrix, and moving to another. We have lost many people, yet others have come. Finances continue to be a struggle, but our Pastor reminded us that nothing like this will come easy, but we feel that it is imperative to not only our future, but the future of our faith, and the reality of who Jesus is being reconciled to humanity. I am reading Exclusion and Embrace by Mirslov Volf, and it is a real brain buster.

I went to one of the high schools where some of my kids go. I was hanging out during the last lunch and had a cool experience. I am always intimidated when going in to high schools. Anyway, I was sitting with kids that I knew, and noticed a student sitting 3 seats down with out anyone interacting with him. The Lord made me aware of him, and prompted me to go talk to him. You need to know I am very outgoing, but in these environments I tend to stay in the background a bit. I wanted to be obedient. I asked some of the students I was with "who is that guy?" They just glanced over shrugged their shoulders, and siad they didn't know. I siad I am going to go over and talk to him.

I picked up my tray and went over and spent the remainder of my lunch, or his lunch with him. There was times of ackward silence, where I was tempting to make a quick exit, but the Lord was done, and after a few minutes we were having a great time of sharing. His name was Brent, he is a freshman, and well the rest was just good chatter. It felt good to be obedient, and just hang out with someone who may have other wise had a lonely lunch.

Helping establish the kingdom of God

2005-11-14T23:02:00.000-05:00

This weekend has been very good, but very busy, we are going to try and have a slower paced week. I have heard it said that balance is the point you pass when swinging from one extreme to the other. Sunday went to my brothers baby shower it was nice, I am very excited about being an uncle. Later we had a great time with our group that gathers at our house on Sunday nights. Good discussion. We talked about our everyday lives, and the impact that it has on established the kingdom of God. This led to many other aspects of this such as what is the kingdom of God? Why is it Jesus spoke so much about establishing this kingdom, and very little about heaven? The kids engaged very well, and offered many thought provoking questions of their own. I am very excited about this, and feel challenged as well at making a difference.

I have been reminded while reading a book by Rob Bell "Velvet Elvis" (one of the best books I have read, I really enjoyed it and would recommend it to anyone), but many times our focus is making a difference in ministry instead of focusing all our energy on living as Christ, and engaging everyday in ways that will build his kingdom. You won't find this by adopting any new methodology, emerging or otherwise. This will come by engaging with his spirit and his Word. Yes so much is messed up with what others say and do in our faith. And many times while certain people may respond in ways that may be unconscionable to us, we must continue to embrace Jesus ways, and Life.

I am saddened and grieved by what some have written and said about the Kyle Lake tragedy, and even the emerging church movement. I am glad that I feel grief and sorrow, more than anger, judgment and bitterness. I must say that some of the things that I read made me sick to my stomach. While I certainly don't want to be thrown into the same category with them, I do want to try and figure out how Jesus would respond. I am also thinking of how he must feel, and try to even meditate on this more.

The only thing that I can equate this to is each time an advancement of establishing the kingdom of God, that great opposition, judgment, and persecution came with it. Think about it when Jesus came with a message of embrace, and unconditional acceptance, a man who engaged with people in a way that had never been seen before. He then was publicly humiliated, then killed. Or even Martin Luther, and his advancements that have had profound impact on people for generations to come.

For those of us God is calling to embrace what he is doing now we must stand tall, full of conviction, and move forward with passion, but also must not lash out even when others do this to us. I feel this will help to further what God is wanting to do in his next scene, or chapter, of the great and sometimes disturbing story that is being written.

The root of the issue

2005-11-10T22:23:00.000-05:00

I have had a good week. On Tuesday night me, Shana, and Caleb, went over to Josh and Anna Brown's house for dinner, along with Nick, and Leslie. We had a great time. We look forward to getting to know Josh and Anna more. And its always good to be with Nick and Leslie.

Youth is going well, we are gathering momentum, and things are going well. I am looking forward to our home gathering for our senior high students.

Today I met with my spiritual counselor's. It was good. Though things seem to be pretty stable right now. We still haven't got to the root of my anger. Though today we dug in a bit, I know we are going deeper. I have much to sort through with God. I know that there are deeper issues in play when it comes to this. One of the things that stuck out was my ability to just "be" without any actions, or performance of any kind, or even external things that bring security in my life. That when God sees me he says "there you are" with delight in his heart, regardless of my actions. I have to say that one person in my life without a doubt that is the case is my wife. I am so thankful that I have her.

Not much else right now, working on keeping Jesus in my window.

Our everyday life,..And other things

2005-11-06T22:27:00.000-05:00

What a week, Friday was a very bad day with many good outcomes. Our staff meeting was intense, but definitely feel that it is a turning point for our staff. Then my brother and I got into a pretty serious scuttle to say the least. It has been quite a while since we have had any conflict in our relationship. It was bad, I was pretty stupid, and realize how far I am from where I want to be, I totally was out of control. The good part was the ending was I think very good. Many things were both said and heard, and I have an even deeper respect for my brother. (Chad if your reading this, I love you with all of my heart, and am thankful, that this didn't crush our relationship but strengthened it in the end) I think that the way with our parents help, this turned out is only a testament of our love for each other, and the deep respect for each other, and desire that we have to have a relationship.

We have a new addition to our family, Shana and I bought our son his first pet. We got him a guinea pig, her name is "Dora" the explorer. It is awesome watching Caleb interact with her. He is an only child so we thought this would be good for him.

Tonight we had our first senior high gathering at our house. Sean and Selena came early, and it was cool cause we threw on some worship music and prayed together, God spoke some stuff to me that was very cool, and encouraging. The kids were really responded well, and I am excited about our future. Essentially this will be the new environment for our senior high kids. It isn't a small group as we have known them, though the group is designed to be smaller. I feel this environment is better suited to help our older students walk out their faith, and grow and develop, in their endeavor to follow Christ. Tonight was mostly me talking, with interaction in between. We ended the night with worship, I played guitar and sang with others, they participated much more in this environment.

One of the critical things I am wanting to help the kids grab is their part in everything, in these home environments. For instance we will all share "leading" worship in many different ways. We want every to share in the experience, for instance if someone wants to go to the kitchen grab some spoons and play them that's cool, or if someone wants to bring guitar, and they suck like me its cool, cause we all have part. Same thing in our conversation, we want everyone involved.

It was an awesome experience and I am excited about the vision God has given us, and that it is shared with all.

Trick or Treat

2005-10-31T21:46:00.000-05:00

Tonight we took our son to a church that had an event they called "Trunk or Treat", it was pretty cool. They had a bunch of inflatable jumpy things, and train ride. We went with some good friends and their kids, Reece and Grey. They all had a real good time. Then we went to my mother-in-law's neighborhood, and let Caleb go to the houses in the cul-de-sac. I continue with my running, and haven't missed one yet. It has been tougher as the tempeture drops, but I will continue on. I have added doing some push-ups and sit-ups to my routine. I have also quit drinking soda, this has been very hard. I have had a serious headache for about 4 days. I am feeling better though. The name of my game right now is taking hold of my life and my time. I have also cut out random time on the internet that can add up to alot of time. My wife and I are making changes to her work schedule, for the benefit of her, and more importantly our family. I am very excited about our youth ministry, and God continues to show me what he wants me to do. I have my first meeting with about 12 kids if they all come. But they seem very excited, as am I. I believe the future of youth ministry will be taking place in homes. I don't feel the need to go into detail, but it isn't small group type thing at all. Our group will be mixed guys and girls, and the really cool thing is my 4 year old will be with us at these gatherings.

Continueing the journey...

The fear of...

2005-10-30T22:25:00.000-05:00

I am a bit slow I know, I just recently watched Bowling for Columbine, a film by Michael Moore. While I know a little about Michael, and haven't been to drawn to any of his work, writing or otherwise, a friend gave me this movie to watch. I watched it last night. I must say that I enjoyed it. Several thoughts that I have are as follows.

First, I continue to realize the difficult time that we have dealing with people of differing views from our own. Many times if a person differs in an area that we are passionate about we may disqualify anything that person says, or things they may bring to the surface that we may otherwise miss. This is many times true when it comes to spiritual things, and "church". While Michael may have views that are very different from mine, or maybe not, I appreciated some of the things that he brought to the surface in this film. Just because someone's view on one thing differs from mine, maybe even in several areas, this doesn't disqualify that person from having things that one can learn from.

Secondly and the most important thing to me, was the element of fear the movie brought out. I didn't feel the focus of the movie was as much about guns or gun control, as it was about the fear and medias use of it. I was amazed how other countries, like Canada, who has similar gun control measures, if not more lenient than the US, has far less deaths caused by guns. I won't remember exactly but it was something like less that 100 for Canada, and more that 11,000 for the US. Fear is something that can control our life and cause us to do many things.

I am not sure exactly how to write this, but I realized how fear can control ones life. For instance, if I have a greater fear being accepted by others, than being true to myself, I will make decisions to minimize my fear at all costs. For a high school student this may mean having sex unprotected with someone they barely know, even though they could contract and STD or Aids. They would do this because the fear of not being accepted is so great they would put themselves in harms way, and do something they may not even want to do. Adults it be a fear of not succeeding in business, and compromise ethics, or break laws to gain the appearance of success. Their fear of not being successful, out weighed the possibility of going to jail. We've seen many examples of this in the news in the past few years.

2 Timothy 1:6-8
For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

I then thought about the scripture that says we aren't to have a spirit of fear. I wonder though was he speaking of all fear? I think if I have a fear of not walking in the ways of Christ, and this is my greatest fear in life, that then I gain power, the ability to Love, and have self-discipline. When I fear other things more, it is difficult if not impossible to have self-discipline. I have in my life feared not being "successful" and it has driven decisions, and brought me and others much pain. My greatest fear wasn't being Christ like, but fear of what I was not. There is security in Christ, a confidence that we can have in ourselves, and who we are with his help. In a way this is the safest place to place our fear.

What is it that we most "fear". What decisions are these fears causing us to make. I say the only fear I want in my life is the fear of not being like Christ, not walking in his way. Any fear aside from that for me leads me further from Christ, peace, and security, into a place of danger, and chaos.

Special moments amidst all the minutiae

2005-10-24T20:07:00.000-05:00

Well I have had a good weekend and day off. Friday night my wife had her "croptoberfest", this is basically an extended time for girls to cut out pictures and put them in their photo album. For me this means boys night out! I took my boy out and had a good time with him, daddy and son time. We went out to eat at Waffle House, his choice, he let me know that waffles can be for supper to, I totally agreed. We spent the rest of the night bopping around stores, and then took him home to put in bed. I spent the rest of the night with my brother, I totally love hanging out with him. We had a good time, and just talked, life, sports, babies and other stuff.

Saturday was cool, our youth team along with many others from our faith community went to our new facility to renovate and clean up, preparing it for our future. This was a good time, very refreshing to be working alongside others toward our future. Our youth team then went to share a meal and hang out, followed by a time to talk about our future, maybe a bit repetitive, but beneficial none the less. Sunday we went to a friends sons B-day party, it was fun.

Monday has been my favorite part of the weekend, I spent the morning with my wife, hanging out, talking, and I took her to lunch at Red Lobster, one of her favorite restaurants. We had fun together. And then we took our son to see Wallace and Gromit. This was awesome, he was so excited. The way he shows love to us is so special. A couple of minutes in to the movie, he was standing up in front of his seat, and then turned around, looked me in the eyes, and said, I love you dad and gave me a big hug and kiss. A minute later he did the same thing to Shana. He was so happy, and we were glad to share this experience with him. Later we played poker, cars, and just hung out.

Final thought, some times we can become so consumed with the details of life, we may miss the special moments life offers. I don't want to miss the moments amidst all the minutiae of life. God has showed me a little more of what the future is for our student ministry on Sunday, this was very cool.

Slow down boy

2005-10-19T23:18:00.000-05:00

One of the things that my wife and I have been working on is the flow of our life. The past few days has been very intense, very beneficial, but also very draining. I have met with many involved in our youth team, and we are renewed, and united. I am very excited about this. It will be a process to bring health and vitality back to our ministry, but I am confident in God's ability to help us move towards his will. I have continued my running, and this has been very good, and I feel it will help me be more productive and keep a pace in my life. There are a few people in our faith community that still seem to see "their" agenda and way of doing things as premier importance, and causing a ripple, but I am working with God to not react, or point blame, but rather figure out how to help lead as Jesus would. This is really tough, I am not sure what you do when people seem to cause more harm than good. Though I know they, or should I say hope they have the best intentions. Even if not, we must still love them, and yet lead in a way as to not compromise what we feel God has called us to do. Not much else right now, I guess I am a little drained. I love all the friends and people in my life.

Long Day

2005-10-15T23:33:00.000-05:00

Today was a long day, I began at 7:30 this morning, to drive down to Savannah, where one of my students is going through the National Guard Youth Challenge. It is for at risk kids, who have dropped out of school, for one reason or the other. I was very proud of him. I had to sit through mentor training, because over the next year, I will be his, mentor. At first I would say I did this because he was in a jam, but I actually have gotten pretty pumped up about, after all I am a youth pastor, and should be both excited and feel the priviledge of being involved in the kids lives. And I truly felt that today. He has accomplished a lot and can tell a big difference in his life. This is one of the things I love about the military, is that it gives people a sense of pride and accomplishment, something that does everyone good. Along my 9 hour round trip, I spent my time listening to a professor from UNC Chapel Hill, talk about Historical Jesus. It was very interesting.

My week has been great and I feel better, more focused, and less qualified in all that I am doing which is a good thing. I don't want to walk or build anything in my own "strength" or "qualifications". I asked my pastor, who happens to also be my father, if he had time to spend an hour with me yesterday. He said that wouldn't be a problem. I wanted to share with him about what God had shown me about me, my leadership, and my place in ministry.

He was quite encouraged and shared feelings that he had as well. And then I let him know that without any uncertainties, that I felt called to lead our youth ministry, and wanted to put most if not all of my energies there. This went very well, and he was quite supportive. You see I have been doing three, maybe four different roles for quite some time. Leading the student ministry for 7 years, children's ministry the last 2, and working with the staff for about a year. Oh, yeah and I am involved with our ministry directors. This isn't necessarily all that special as many people on our staff do many different things. But it has been a strain.

I feel that I have accomplished things in our children's ministry, and feel connected to the team. As well with the staff, I feel that I have had a positive impact there as well. But in all this our youth ministry has suffered severely. I think some of these were a bit of a scape goat, as I was feeling like a failure. I told him I would help out with whatever was needed, and I do love working with the staff very much. But I just wanted him to do whatever was best for everyone involved.

I continue to look forward to our future, and thank God for everything that has happened in my life. It is good to be "out of the desert" at least for a time. One thing is don't reject the times God takes you out in the desert. While you may get hot, irritable, not like the food that is being offered, If we stay focused on God, these will produce good things in our lives. For me it was building of my character (which is always in need of work), focusing on the right things, and a proper or more proper identity...In him.

Whatcha thinking about

2005-10-13T22:17:00.000-05:00

Well today I got myself up with no help, and for me that in and of it self was an act of God. My second day of running went well, and I had a real cool experience with God. I started my run and again was just wanting to take in the experience and hang out with God. I found that for nearly the entire run, 100% better than the day before, even on the big hill that leads me to the halfway point. The whole time my focus was thinking and listening to what the Lord was saying. However when I was nearly home, I began to think about how well I was doing, and was kinda given myself an attaboy. It was really weird, but as I began to think about that I began to Labor to work up the hill and just seconds before, while yes I was working, it wasn't nearly as difficult. And in that moment I said screw this I am thinking about God and going back to that place. And I kid you not it was like weights were taken off my back. And I felt like the Lord used this to remind me once again to focus on him, and not try anything in my own strength.

Now I know that my first day was difficult, and should have been since like it has been 7 years since I have done anything physical at all. But I began the run yesterday with the same intentions of focusing on God and enjoying his presence, but quickly gave in as I headed up my first hill.

It was like God used these two experiences to show me the difference in doing anything in and of my own strength. Yes I need to do my part, but that is just part, and small at that.

This has been a common thread through this week, in any of the books that I have read, scripture and my prayers.

This has been a good day, and tomorrow I am off to a favorite spot to hopefully do my small part, and allow God to put somethings together for our future. I definitely feel God is massaging the things that he has put in my heart, and through last nights studies, and today's I am beginning to see the picture God is painting, and I think it is radical. We will know if it is God by the Holy Spirit, speaking to all involved in what God wants to do in our youth ministry.

Keeping Jesus in my Window

2005-10-12T22:42:00.000-05:00

I have one thing on my mind right now and that is "what is God's revelation of what he wants the ministry he has called me to, to do?" For any who have read Good to Great, this would be the BHAG. And I believe when this comes, that our team won't need coaxing, or I will need to sell anything, that God will unite us in the vision he has given to us. I finished Spiritual Leadership tonight, there is so much in that book that spoke to me, confirmed things I was working to change, and brought conviction in areas that I wasn't even thinking about. Friday is going to be a big day for me. I am soaking and studying, praying, and listening to what I feel God is saying. But on Friday I am taking the whole day to spend time reviewing what God has said to me over the course of this week, and ideas and thoughts that came about, and spend the day listening to God as to our future. Right now I have no conclusions, I want to wait on the Lord, I REALLY want his will. Now I don't know how much I will come away with, but one thing is for certain, I have learned deep things in myself through this time, and most of it is about God, and his presence in my life. I know as long as I keep that the focus, that I keep Jesus in my window, that he will guide us.

Good morning Sugar Hill

2005-10-12T10:35:00.000-05:00

Well, I wanted to take a break from my reading for a bit change the pace and record some of my thoughts. One of the other purposes for me this week is to redefine my life, habits, and so on. So would you believe it I got up at 7:30am, ok it was really 7:40, to go for a 2 mile run. I know that exercise is good, and it brings up your energy level, so I want to start again. Now this isn't new stuff for me after spending 4 plus years in the Army, I have been fully acquainted with exercise. However it has been 7 years since then. And I must tell you that it was both great and extremely difficult. You see I live 1 mile back in my neighborhood, and it is anything but flat. I was enjoying my time with God reflecting on things, but that ended as the hills came into play and my 31 year old body not being in good shape at all, had to focus on completing my goal. Any way this morning has been great. The cool thing about adding this exercise element to my life is that I am doing it with my wife. We get up together, she does her workout video and I go for a jog. I can't wait to see how this will benefit our relationship. Well back to reading, and studying.

Spiritual Leadership

2005-10-11T23:21:00.000-05:00

I have officially begun my "sabbatical" today. It really began tonight, as today I had to tie up some loose ends of my personal responsibilities. But tonight has been great, in fact right now I am taking a break. I haven't turned the TV on all night except when we watched a little bit of "The Incredibles" while hanging out with our son. I really want God to speak to me during this time, and am disciplining myself, that even though some of this time will be spent at home, that I will stay focused. My wife has been awesome, and I told her tonight that this week is for me in many senses, but I want to go through it with her. I want to share what I feel God is saying, and what I am praying about, and for us to be joined together in it. The majority of my reading has been, and will be scripture, and books that deal with me, and being a spiritual leader. My prayers leading into this time, is that I would totally surrender to God EVERYTHING. Even though I don't totally understand how to do that. I don't want to become passionate, about my vision, goals or whatever. I really wanted to hear from God.

I will share just a snippet of this book that spoke to me, and confirmed things in me. He talked about God authenticating leaders, and was God authenticating us and some things to consider. He says, "Leaders who continually present new ideas and visions for the future but who never see those dreams come to fruition are clearly presenting their own visions and not God's"

Ouch! I have so done that for a while, putting plans together, praying for God's touch on my plans, put scripture around it to spiritualize it, and moving forward. This isn't spiritual leadership, instead ask God for revelation for your life, ministry, and pursue that, then the plans will materialize.

Next he says, "If nothing unusual or divine is happening under a person's leadership, the leader may be operating in his own strength rather than by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Ouch, again! I will leave it at that, but I have taken time after each chapter, prayed and meditated, seeking God. I am thankful for all that He is doing in my life right now. I am seeking his revelation for my life, leadership, and ministry. It was neat to start this way in prayer even before the book, but it is clear what God is saying. It is also cool that Lisa emailed me wishing a great week and encouraged me with this verse...(she added the bold)

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." Prov. 3:3-6.

Let the Good Times Roll

2005-10-10T00:11:00.000-05:00

This has been a great week, much to talk about or shall I say write about, but I will try to make it brief. Wednesday Night at youth we had our first Worship Experience called "SOAK". It was great, it included all different elements art, drama, music, video, along with some interactive stations. We had good attendance, but the most important thing is the ministry that took place. I feel the planned part paved the way for what God was going to do in all who were there for the free worship time at the end. It was so cool to watch as students who may be normally reserved on their face in the prayer area, students praying for students and not just their friends but everyone.

Thursday and Friday, me and Kyle (youth ministry intern), went to Catalyst, where we met to very close friends of mine. This was great. My most important take away from this was a story that Donald Miller told and wasn't necessarily the focal point of his story or talk. It was about a guy who sought to bring peace where ever he was, and in it talking about this guy who was in traffic, and people would cut him off would respond with "you are more important than me". Anyone who has ever ridden with me know that isn't at all how I respond to those I share the rode with. However this meant a lot to me. I want to live my life thinking of others, instead of my normal self-centeredness that I am normally consumed with.

Saturday night we took five students and had a great time at "Uncle Shucks" corn maze. Now my past reaction was great a lousy five kids came, where is the support yada yada yada. Though I was excited to see the kids, and focused on each one of them interacting with them and enjoying each one of them. I had a special time with one of our new 6th graders who is a lone ranger even when others reach out to him. It started out in confrontation, then connection, and ended with us bonding a bit and then taking what we talked about. It was very refreshing. I love our kids, each of them are very special.

Today at our Sunday gathering, my mom spoke, and God used her mightily. My dad was in Chicago running his second marathon. He did great I am very proud of him. Any way the take away from her talk for me was not living for Christ and loving others, but to allow Christ to live thru me, and allow him to love others thru me.

Then tonight my wife (the most special lady in my life), and a couple on our team went to Vertitas church, to listen to Donald Miller who was doing a book reading. This was very cool, I enjoyed the experience. The best part though was our time with the Pedens, talking about our relationship, past woes, and future plans. We shared openly, and had a great time with them.

I look forward to continuing to draw from God, be the best husband, father, youth pastor, leader, friend and person that I can be. My mottoss for my life right now are "Love God Love others", "There you are", and "you are more important than me".

Hiding or Seeking is still good fun

2005-10-04T20:27:00.000-05:00

In a life that can be consumed with philosophizing, planning and just plain busyness, tonight brought a great glimpse of lifes best. Sometimes we get so caught up in future thought, the disdain for the present or even the garbage from the past. All that to say that enjoying the present moments of life is great. That a midst all of the before mention things to not forget to take the moments life gives. Tonight I had a blast cutting lose with my family. On the ride home from picking my son up from the babysitters, Caleb looks at me and says dad, maybe we could have a fun family night like before. It is cool that he has those memories. We strive to create fun days for our family and throughout each week create times for us to cut loose. So I turned to Caleb and said absolutely, but one thing no video games. A lot of times he wants to do that, and while we do have fun, I wanted to interact. We shared a great meal, then afterwards the fun began. We played football, where Caleb loves to tackle, read books, played duck duck goose only the Spanish version, pato pato gonzo. But the most fun for all of us was playing hide and seek. Now I must tell you that I live in a modest house so you have to be very creative. Watching my son tonight brought me deep joy, and for me to be focused only on him and my family in that moment was deeply refreshing. I thank God for being able to soak in the moment. And I will continue to create many more of these. On a last note, today I began taking time to study, pray, read the word and just hang with God, something I abandoned about a year ago. The focus of this time is for me and Jesus. It's not time to read about culture, theology or other, it's time to reflect on me and read scripture for me, other books that are to help me become a better person, leader and father. I had a great time with God, and look forward to the benefits this will have in my life.

Putting the pieces back together

2005-09-29T23:29:00.000-05:00

I had my second meeting today with my spiritual counselor's and it was very good. We dug into my past a good bit. I shared about the changes that are taking place in my life, and asked them to help me to find out why for most of my life I have had anger issues. It was insightful, I am reading some material, and watching videos they gave me. I pray that God will speak to me through this and reveal something in me, that will help me see what the core issue is for me. On another note, I am engaging full speed in ministry, though I feel very inadequate in many areas. As I have written many things are quite the mess. I am hopeful though and want to cling to the promise of God that in my weakness and inadequacies, he will bring strength. I am very passionate for my teens that I lead, we have been in a serious funk for quite sometime. I am praying for a fresh wind, for others to join with me and following Jesus and redefining our future. I am leaving the past behind and pressing toward the future and what God may do through our ministry. My focus isn't on ministry models, methods or otherwise, but on Jesus my walk with him, and loving other people.

There you are!

2005-09-26T22:15:00.000-05:00

I have to tell you that one of the greatest talks I have ever heard came tuesday night at our conference, given by Ed Gunger. I won't recap the whole thing but the main thing that has stuck with me and made a huge impression and change agian in my perspective, is what I see in people. The essence of it is when someone walks into a room they may choose to walk in thinking about themselves, how they look, waiting for people to come to them, their mentality is "HERE I AM". I must say because of insecurities that I have and the need to be liked and needed, add to that my tendacy to be shallow and conceited as well, that this is how I have lived the majority of my life. Then Ed talked to us about instead of that walking into a room and interacting with people with a mindset that says "THERE YOU ARE". Now these words may come out, but it has been awhile since that has been deep in my heart. Since that time I am crucifying the first mindset and working to be transformed to the second. I truly want to love people more, regardless of what they think of me. I am going to be a "THERE YOU ARE" type of person, after all this is how Jesus was.

On another note I recently read an article in Christianity today titled Emerging Church: Lacking the Spirit that was very disheartening. It was from someone who was apart of the Vineyard movement, of which I have had great respect for. However this article was saddening as the person totally tore apart those involved in the emergent conversation, and more specifically calling out Brian McLaren. It is interesting when someone says or writes "I don't mean to polarise, but..." that is exactly what ends up happening. It is packaged neatly in this is what I believe, in the same way gossip is packaged in "we really need to pray for so and so". This is indeed sad. Agian I am reverting back to Love God, Love others.

You can view the article here as a PDF

An Interesting experience

2005-09-21T13:32:00.000-05:00

The last few days have been interesting to say the least. I had the great honor of coming to a conferance with my dad to do a workshop on Post-modernism. It was a whole lot of fun and we interacted well together. I will say that the folks participated had little if any exposure to the conversation, except the negative conotations they have heard. I was cornered by several people eager to set me straight, or help me understand. I was very gracious, or as gracious as I could be. One is going to read up on things and call me later. I will blog later about the speakers and such.

The shedding of old skin

2005-09-15T23:17:00.000-05:00

It has been a good week. A long time ago I was big into snakes in fact at one time I had 15 of them. One of the cool things about a snake is that as it grows it goes through a shedding process. You can see effects that the snake is about to go through this process because the eyes will turn to a milky white indicating that soon it will be shedding the skin. It can take a bit for the snake to separate the new skin from the old, and then eventually wiggling its way out of the old dead skin. Sometimes it not a clean shed and there are remnants of the old skin still stuck and will have to rub it off, or if in human captivity as mine I would help get it off. I feel that I have begun a similar process, my insides know it time to shed the skin of the turmoil from my past year. My heart indicates that the process has begun. And with each moment as I continue to surrender to Jesus and his way of Life, I will soon shed myself of the old dead skin of this time. I am also growing physically, I am about to turn 31, kind crazy when I consider where I am in life now, Married for 10 years, to the greatest women in my world, a brilliant son who will be 5 in February, and start school next year for real. I am thankful for my life and all that I am able to enjoy, even now I am appreciating the struggles in my life. I know I have written much about my life and struggles, and now the coming of a new day. But I am very excited about life again, still have hurt and pain, but my perspective is changing. And much like the snake shedding starts with the head and the eyes while once clouded, vision hindered, can now see as before. I feel like with this changing of perspective indicates that I have begun uncovering my eyes, and the only thing left is to wiggle out of the old skin. Let the wiggling begin.

Spilling the Beans

2005-09-13T20:15:00.000-05:00

Well today was a good day, I have taken another step in my journey to uncover and deal with deep feelings of bitterness, hurt, and confusion. I went to see a spiritual counselor. I went in not knowing exactly what to expect or how things would go. I have to say it was great. I look forward to what lies ahead in the future. One of the things that came out today that I am pondering, and merits much thought, prayer and reflection was the fact that in all my "suffering" I never stopped to think about how Jesus dealt with his suffering, and how he feels about the things that have gone on. I never stopped to consider what was in me that I could allow God to work on, I was just focused on the fact that I was wronged and did nothing to deserve it. Also I am a person that doesn't like to get beat or seem weak, and am very focused on accomplishments. When I look at Jesus he went through the worst of back stabbing, gossip, conspiracy, persecution, and definitely didn't seem to "win" as I would define or see it. Yet he went through what was laid before him with great strength. The question for me and all of us is may be what does it look like to win, to go through trials with strength that is Christ like? How was he able to cope with the situations he faced. (yeah I know he was God) Maybe what I have perceived as strength isn't strength at all. Maybe being right or being treated fairly isn't always best. Maybe our reactions and actions is what matters most in all situations. Maybe I should spend more time worrying about what is in me instead of others. Jesus after all had more of a reason to stop and focus on what was wrong with all those who were putting him through the hell he went through, instead he seemed much more focused on how to respond with goodness and Godliness. It is very easy to worry about or blame others, than to focus on ourselves. So much has been stirred up in me. I am anxious about what God will reveal, in my life. And I pray that it isn't for my good only, but so that I will be more like Jesus and as in 2 Corinthians 3:16-18 says to more reflect him. Here's to the journey.

A very good God

2005-09-12T23:57:00.000-05:00

I have had a great weekend all in all. I had two of my team meetings. One went very well, but my second one didn't go as well as I would have liked or thought it would. I am trying to provide leadership in my youth ministry but it is a slow process. We did have a good discussion about somethings, maybe a bit overdone. However I am committed as long as God will allow me to lead and others will follow and help me to lead to continue doing so. I want to make a difference in the youth culture both pre-existing Christ followers, and people who haven't chosen to follow Christ. This is no easy task, but we serve a big God. The struggle between creating a fun, welcoming, Christ focused relevant ministry is many times not as easy as can be written about or talked about. It seems easy to get off balance. So many people at so many different places in life, each one looking or not looking for something. In simple form Jesus told us"Love God Love others". Good strategy, oh so simple yet we (me) complicate it so much. I believe his strategy transcends age. One last note on another matter. I was touched tonight as I watched a special on Reggie White, an incredible football player, and a great example of a man who was very touched by God and lived in a way that drew many to him, and ultimately God's love. Many people spoke with much emotion about how much they missed him. He seemed to be a person full of joy. I believe his choice to follow Jesus and love others is a primary contributor to his happiness and the ability to draw others around him and effect their lives in a positive way. My God, our God is good and in him we can find not just happiness, (something that can be gained and lost by many external things) but Joy that was internal, ad couldn't be contained. That same God and Joy is available to all, and I looking for more in my life.

A few more steps

2005-09-09T00:58:00.000-05:00

Things seem to be progressing in my life. I still have many struggles but am working through them. Looking and talking to God more about them than I have recently. On a different note. I have made the decision to sell my Jeep. I have the tendacy to rely on external things sometimes to deal with inner turmoil. So this is another step for me. But I do want to get to a place where these things don't get in the way in what God wants to do in my life. He is my number one priority. There may or may not be a time later in my life for these things again. However right now may not be that time. This may seem insignificant for some but it is a big step for me. I am looking forward to some time away still that is coming up to be able to really focus in on what God wants to do in my life. I am trying to refocus my ministries that I help to lead. My youth ministry is in turmoil, my team has been lacking my help. I am trying to get back in the game so to speak. It will take time and none of these issues will fix themselves quickly. I thank God for his patience and belief in me even when I don't believe in myself, also all the people around me who love and believe in my as well.

One step at a time

2005-09-07T01:25:00.000-05:00

I have been taking steps to climb out of my mess of hurt and bitterness. God has met me and with his help I am beginning the journey out. Some deep feelings have been uncovered in my life, well maybe discovered. I am going to see a counselor, to share and see what I can do to work thru these feelings. I am beginning to restructure my life, more in accordance with what I feel God will have me to do. I have seemed to have motivation a little bit more now, however this time it is God focused, finding him in new ways, allowing his life to come into mine, and overtake it. A friend recently told me I had to start placing and speaking truth in my life. This was one of the great things that came from our discussion. Though I came to greater appreciation for this truth a few years back, it is something that I haven't practiced as of late. However I have untruth that has crippled my life, and Christ's life I seek to live. I am allowing truths that I know to help release some of the things in my life that have been captive for a while. All I can say is what a tangled mess, but I am untangling it with God's help. I am very judgmental at times, this is dangerous. I really just want to continue to love ALL people(even christians who have wounded me deeply, this is the hardest for me), and live the moments God gives me to the fullest. There are no guarantees on life. The other night while returning home from a great date night, we saw a motorcycle rider who had been struck by a vehicle and laid in the road with legs going in ways they shouldn't go, 2 guys knelt over him and were holding his head in place, there was severe bleeding. Sorry to be so graphic. In this moment time seemed to slow if not stop. My heart was grieved, did he have a wife? Kids? Would he live? If so how, could he walk? I ride motorcycles, scary. Life is so fragile, no guarantees. I don't want to live my life consumed with bitterness and hatred. I want to live a life of Love as Christ did and has asked me to. I don't want it effecting the way I treat my wife or son like it has. My prayers go out to this man whoever he may be. So here goes the untangling, as Popeye says "I have had all I can stands and I stands no more"...So I am grabbing Jesus' hand and together we will work out of this, and I pray that become more like him through it and I will stand tall giving God the credit, and maybe more prepared for the next battle.

Talk about a reality check

2005-09-01T22:40:00.000-05:00

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the hurricane and all of the people whose lives have been effected directly and indirectly. The amusing part or sad part should I say is hearing people complaining about gas prices going up and the inconvenience it is, which in light of all the loss the others have suffered. Even my life and the wrangling that I have had over my life in the past bit has been put into perspective. I can't imagine everything that you have ever known being wiped out. I am saddened as I am sure you are to in the acts of rage some of which may be excusable given the circumstances but others seem to be very deliberate. I am proud of the efforts of mankind to reach out to these who have suffered so much. A bunch of local churches in the area are organizing to go down and help rebuild, taking supplies that are needed. My heart and prayers go out to all those who were affected. I am looking forward to reaching out and helping in any way I can. It is in times when I do stuff for others that I feel closest to God and the best about myself. There really is nothing better than helping out others even when we ourselves need help.

Looking for more than a Shell

2005-08-28T23:57:00.000-05:00

Well this has been a curious few days. It begin by leaving on Thursday for our vision and planning retreat for our faith community. It was interesting. Thursday was just Pastors and then by Friday we were joined by the rest of the staff and elders. In the course of the meeting Friday night, I became very disgruntled, not as much because of what was going on or being said but more my inside that has been in constant turmoil. I broke down and shared with my dad that I was sorry for my unpleasant presence, and let him know I was "dead" inside. I spent the night thinking and trying to figure a way out. Tonight a very dear and close friend of mine and my wife's came over because she had been feeling that we and maybe more specifically me had been struggling and things weren't right. She was right. She spoke some very profound and insightful things into my life, and our conversation was refreshing. She spoke several things that meant a lot but most of all that I seemed to be just a shell, and that there wasn't anything inside. I was going through motions but the heart and soul of who I am and was becoming was missing. The nut in the shell was gone. This was and is very true. I am processing still the hurt of this past year, and am having a hard time getting past it. I have insulated myself for sure. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I am thankful for people who love me for me. I hope I can find the nut and unite it with the shell of a man that I have become.

No Mulligan's

2005-08-24T00:45:00.000-05:00

I am not one to consider myself a golfer by any stretch however I do golf. One of the things that is nice about golfing with friends who are just out to have a good time is that if you drive one off in the woods, you can casually say I am going to take a mulligan. This means that the last shot you hit didn't really happen. It's like this little magical word, that reverses time and allows you to make a different and hopefully better decision. I am feeling like that in my life right now. I would like to take a mulligan, or maybe two. But no such luck life rules don't include mulligans. Now some things I wouldn't change. I love my wife of now 10 yrs. And my very cool, sometimes bratty 4 year old son. However much in my life right now I would love to be given the opportunity to see if instead of hitting it off in the woods, that I might actually hit the fairway. I guess the good news is that we all have the opportunity to make different and better decisions in our future. Sometimes it bewilders me as to how I have gotten to the place that I am now. I have seem to have lost all motivation, and am just trudging my way through each day with no real impact and I just can't seem to get out of it. I really could use some time away, but it just doesn't seem possible. I read about and hear of people who have taken sabbaticals, wow that must be nice. I really need Jesus to find me, and lead me out of this. Yes I know I need to be looking for him and listening to his voice but sometimes when you've been wounded and beat up by life and ministry it just seems like you need someone to carry you out.

We ain't in Kansas anymore Toto

2005-08-17T22:53:00.000-05:00

What an incredible day and experience that we had today. First off an unfortunate to say the least incident to one of our people who had their house burn down a little over a week ago. So we began efforts to help out. So tonight was our weekly youth gathering. We opted to take a group of our students with whom I went with to the home shortly after our gathering had begun to go and help clean up the home. The family was very touched by our acts and seeing the kids getting dirty and sweaty to help them in their time of need really ministered to them. Mean while I had asked one of my interns to cover the message for the night, very much impromptu. I heard he did a fantastic job. However the best of it came as a few of our volunteers were interacting with a girl who had come for the first time (we'll call her Julie) with one of our students (we'll call her Jenny). Jenny is a girl who has been apart of our community for a little over a year and a bit skeptical at first but found something contrary to what she had thought she would find, and appealed to her search for God. She has grown in many ways and is following Christ closer now than in the past. Jenny and Julie met a few years back while Julie was struggling with being a cutter. Julie was in a conversation with a few of our team members she shared very openly the impact that Jenny had been in her life abd that she loved Jesus and was following him and has been searching a place where she could find community with other believers. Julie said that she had tried many other places but never been well received. Not because of her gothic dress or appearance but in the fact that she was gay. In fact one place Julie visited began with a prayer being recited by all who attended about how they were lowly people, sinful, yada yada yada. And then the person bringing the message was focusing on the homosexual lifestyle and the abomination that it was. Julie found our people to be very accepting and seemed to welcome her with open arms. She said she would be back with us next week. I was over joyed how cool it is to see our faith community becoming full of people who are very diverse and yet searching our Jesus and wanting to follow him. This is what I have dreamed of to see a place where no matter what our struggle with sin or where we are in life that we can learn and grow together in following Christ. My prayer is that we will continue to focus on what Jesus gave us as being the most important things "Love God Love Others". And that God will continue to use our faith community as a place where all can search and belong.

Give me Jesus or give me insitution

2005-08-07T14:39:00.000-05:00

I have recently been working thru struggles in my life, questions about my purspose and place in life. I am employed by the church, and this sometimes is a bit of a struggle for me. I have realized that in my life it becomes all consuming, as many others may realize or deal with themselves as well. It is easy to start out giving your life to Jesus and for Jesus, only to shortly after to find yourself living for and giving your life to the institution instead of Jesus. Since so much of what my life entails is wrapped around spirituality, it is also easy to think you're giving your life to Jesus, however they aren't synonomous. I am wondering and thinking that the struggles I have is that giving our lives for Jesus will give us life, but the other will bring death. I made the statement to my wife a while back that I haven't felt very much like a Christ follower, instead a person who arranges others around Christ concepts, practices, and activities. It is so easy to have these things become what consumes your mind and energy. I am not saying that I haven't had many joys and have helped others in their faith journey but rather the struggle that comes in keeping the focus where it should be.

Busy people, patient God

2005-08-05T00:11:00.000-05:00

My life as of late has been as crazy and hectic as I have ever seen it, add to that I have been struggling a good bit in my walk with God and purpose in life. I have been wondering why the struggle, the answer... That's life, sometimes good, sometimes bad. Sometimes the bad happens no matter what, other times I bring it on myself by poor decisions that I have made. However over the past four or five months the difference has been my ability to handle life. I read this statement in an email newsletter I receive that stuck out to me. It said, "The busier we are, the more time we spend responding to the needs and realities of the world around us and the more critical it is for us to return daily to that central identity and transcendent reality. Some time ago, I heard that when Martin Luther was asked how much time he prayed daily he replied: "About two hours, unless I'm very busy. Then I pray for three hours." I realized that the thing that has changed in my life that I can point to in my ability to not only cope with life but walk through it with purpose and hope could be found in the fact that in October of last year my responsibilities changed in my faith community and I became consumed with the business of things and abandoned a time with God weekly filled with solitude and reflection. I had put this in my schedule weekly and had been doing it for years. Oh sure I still prayed, read my Bible, and other books, but it wasn't the same. I always felt recharged afterward. Why the change "busyness", it became my god so to speak, it consumed me. God always has transcended my reality if I will give him the time. God here is my time, here is my life...I Love you thank you for being patient and available even when I am not.

Watch out for frogs

2005-07-29T01:00:00.000-05:00

I was driving home tonight and I noticed a bunch of frogs that we in the road. I made an intentional effort to be sure that I didn't run over them. I got to thinking about how I had invaded a space that was once not filled with moving vehicles that could at any minute squash them ending life as they knew it. I started thinking how cool it is that God invited us into his space. We didn't invade his space, cutting down trees, paving roads, putting up houses. But instead God wanted us to exist in his realm. How cool is it that God wants us to be apart and interact in his space. I hope you have a great day, Love life and live to make our world and God's space and creation all that it can be, thanks for inviting us to your party God.

A Happy Ending

2005-07-20T22:37:00.000-05:00

Today was extremely exhausting, and filled with anxiety, but also extremely fulfilling. My mom went thru her surgery without a hitch. The surgery took a little over an hour, but what relief that I felt when the doctor came out with a smile on his face telling us that the procedure went very well. I remember seeing my mom for the first time after the operation, I was overcome with joy. Life truly is the greatest gift God has given us. And today will be marked in my life as a reminder of how fragile it is as well. It has been great to feel the love of the people in our life showering us with thoughts and prayers for my family. Take each day and be sure that you are touching the people you love. Thanks to all who helped us through this time. And to the God I love and sometimes question, thank you for coming through once again.

Sickness at the most unexpected time

2005-07-19T22:39:00.000-05:00

Well today was interesting to say the least. I was on my way home after a productive day, and all was going well...then I got the call. My dad rang and shared that my mom who had gone to the hospital to recieve a few tests for some fainting spells that she had been having for several years. The doctors had always connected the spells to her hypoglycemia, however after she failed one of the tests today so badly, in fact her heart stopped for 33 seconds and sent the doctor team into panic. Her heart finally started. Dad preceeded to tell me that they would need to go in tomorrow to put in a pace maker. This was extremely troubling to say the least. My mom is only 47 years old. She has had more than her fair share of trials. Ovarian cancer, a severe back injury that occured while getting out of a van (go figure), breast cancer, and now this. My mom is one of the most important people in my life. But I know that she is really scared right now, and so am I. I can't help but think is this really God's best? I struggle to find the answers and the simple answers and things that people say in times like this though well meaning just don't bring comfort. An ordinary day, with simple tests that turned into the unexpected and extraordinary. I hope and pray that God will not let me or my mom down. I hope that this will be the last of this nature and we can move on. God please act on our behalf.

THe Rekindling of an Old Romance

2005-07-17T15:38:00.000-05:00

Today in our gathering our pastor spoke to us about a romance with God and the relationship that he desires to have with us daily. It was great! Last week he posed a thought about the passage in the gospel that talks about wide is the road that leads to destruction and narrow is the road that leads to life. Though this text has often been used to illustrate salvation, he turned our attention to the fact that the narrow road that leads to that abundant life may come as a result of what happens after salvation. Meaning that salvation comes easy but following Christ and allowing his life to change who we are is the more difficult path. This week I had a question off of what he spoke about this week. When does the life of Christ add more value to our life, Eternity or the present future? I realized that I really need to get back to dating God. Conversing with him in more that a "prayer" like fashion, sharing with him what I need, others need, or my struggles, not that this isn't a necessary part of my relationship with God. But more often than not in my life I don't spend the time that I once did sharing my innermost thoughts about me, and ask him questions about our relationship, and what we can do to go deeper in our relationship. To get to the place where we can just sit together and share our lives together. Many times when people find Christ and they start "dating" at the point of salvation, we many times don't allow time for the dating relationship to develop and their love to be developed before people start with the list of requirements that must be met in order to be in this relationship. The things I do in my life for my wife now have come about as a result of years of dating that led to years of marriage. And it is in my love for her that certian things have been changed in the way I interact with my wife. I want the same to be true with my relationship with God. Let the romance begin...

Big "H" holiness, little "h" holiness

2005-07-03T22:59:00.000-05:00

I was recently in a conversation at a conference where an associate professor was sharing on the existence of "absolute truth" which he spoke of as big "T" truth, which he felt only God held. Then he spoke of little "t" truths that we as mortals can obtain. Saying that even a bunch of little "t" truths didn't give big "T" truth. I really identified with this as did many others in the room. There were those who didn't see things that way saying that if that were the case our faith wouldn't be valid. Using this same base I want to share a recent experience and ensuing conversation that I had as a result of a message that I shared with the teenagers in my faith community. I believe that in the church in America one of the greatest downfalls is that we have segregated our lifestyles. We have one that is for our church community and then one for everywhere else (there could be more), and many would in my opinion like to live one life being who they are in any environment. Any way I was sharing with my kids about being a credible person, having a credible name, and giving Jesus credibility. In one part I shared with the kids, that if they are cussing in other environments dropping the "F" bomb then by all means talk that way around me. I even went so far as to say that if they talked like that else where why not in "church"? The main point was that if we could and can establish an environment that truly is come as you are then we will be more credible to all around us, and give more credibility to Jesus. Imagine someone who hears a "Christian" cuss at school, then comes to church and hears them cuss in there or while talking to a pastor, that would put some serious water on the whole hypocrisy thing wouldn't it. Could that be more inspiring for someone to follow Jesus? I had a parent not there to hear in context the conversation, very unhappy about this and let me know so. I copied my pastor on the email to let him know. We then got into a discussion about be careful how far to go. Another person joined in and started talking about "holiness", and that Christ followers should be different which by the way I totally agree. But I questioned the ability to define "holiness". Could the same principle apply as in the matter of truth Big "T" little "t", Big "H" little "h". Can you define holiness for everyone? It would seem to me that the minute that you do this it would lead to judgment. If holiness is about becoming like Christ, then if one person swears and prefers others above himself, and another doesn't swear but is out for number one all the time which one is "holy" or pursuing holiness. Aren't they both. Can we quantify and qualify holiness? I was just wanting to encourage people to be who they are, and let God be God. If behavior and action are changed based on environment have they really been changed. What if the language that someone used they didn't change when they came into a "church" environment and kept talking the same and then one day while hanging out with some friends the Holy Spirit spoke to them and they decided to stop using a certain word or words, wouldn't that be better? When the church says come us you are do they mean it? I am in search of big "H" holiness in my life, but I am certain that I will have to allow God to continue to make little "h" changes in my life till the day when I am perfected in eternity.

Changing an existing Church

2005-06-28T20:57:00.000-05:00

About 2 plus years ago our faith community began on a philosophical and directional change that has been anything but easy, in fact it has been hell on earth or as close as I could imagine. I have been hurt by people in a way I never imagined. I have become bitter and angry toward "Christians". I sat with a close friend of mine recently who doesn't follow Christ or care about any faith issues, and shared with him that I didn't blame him for his synicism towards my faith, in fact I said they are some of the biggest sons of a bitches that I have ever come in contact with. I still grapple with understanding how people who are called to live a life of love, can be so hurtful. Then I contrast this with the fact that I don't want to be judgemental and must continue to love all. But at this point I don't want to love a large sect of "Christians". Is it possible to transition an existing community and the DNA? How do I Love these people? Do I have a right to defend my name? I want to continue to try to do what God has called me to do but am growing weary. If you identify or have insight with dealing with this I would love to hear from you.

What the Bleep do we know

2005-06-22T23:33:00.000-05:00

I sat down tonight and watched this great movie about quantum physics called what the bleep do we know. It was a fascinating movie and evoked deep thought about life as we know it. I heard it said its like Matrix on steroids. I am working through thought about a parallel unlverse, and supernatural healing. This movie pointed to possible understanding of Jesus performing miracles and maybe even how miracles occur. I strongly recommend this movie. I would love to hear your thoughts about it.

Batman Begins

2005-06-21T23:42:00.000-05:00

I went with my wife last night on our date night to see Batman Begins. It was an awesome movie. I personally love the line in the movie where Batman is told by a childhood friend "its not what is on the inside that defines someone but what you do". How true is this for any of us. Think of how many things we think, feel, or have desire to see happen, but never act on. Truly those things really don't matter or make a difference. I was thinking about all the things on the inside that have never made their way into any action, do you feel that way to. Agian I thought about many Christians who may have alot on the inside but nothing that makes a difference or that defines them as being a follower of Christ.

Love God, Love Others

2005-06-19T23:12:00.000-05:00

It has been a good week, and a good day being father's day and all. Especially since I am a very proud father. My son is 4 1/2 and loads of fun, also a bit challenging at times. There are many joys in fatherhood, but one of my greatest experiences thus far is listening to my son pray. It is so incredible, and I can see why Jesus wanted us to be childlike. Today as we gathered in my faith community, we had a simple message with profound implications on life, when we can live it out. It all boiled down to loving God and loving others, that's how Jesus summed up what was most important. Seems so simple and yet as I look at modern day Christiandom, I see something much more complex, and much less inspiring. Our pastor shared how many times people seem to be looking for a club of people to join whose "short list" line up with their beliefs. How fun could it be if we truly adopted Jesus' short list, and enjoyed discussion over other thoughts, but would respond to each other with respect, and leave saying "love God, love others"? We were also encouraged to speak more about Jesus and spend less time talking (read arguing) about other peripheal, might I say personal preferences. I want to be sure that no matter who I am interacting with that I work to keep Jesus' short list in play in my life, even when others approach me with their short lists. On a side note I am working thru some thought on salvation, and receiving Christ into our life, more on that later.

A Call to Action

2005-06-15T23:04:00.000-05:00

We had our weekly gathering tonight and I spoke out of the book of Haggai chapter 1. We considered how Christ followers are to be people of action, who live our lives in a way that is about more than our selves. And we are called to help Jesus see his kingdom established in our world. I am struggling a bit to rally a group of people who seem consumed with themselves something that many times come with our teenage years. I want to see our faith community be more about what we do in our lives daily for others, living more as Jesus would and less about ourselves and pacifying our needs. Jesus gave up his needs for the benefit of all mankind. I want to work to live in the same way and see others join in the effort. In my view the institutional church has crippled Jesus' message, and we must continue in our effort deconstruct the areas of it that take away from Jesus' message and replace it with action as Jesus would have us live.

Uprising

2005-06-15T01:23:00.000-05:00

I have spent the last couple of hours reading in Mcmanus's book "Uprising" I am reminded of so many great things about our life, most importantly I guess is that it's not about us. When I chose to follow Christ I chose to put him and anyone else first. And by doing this I find "true life". There are many good things to ponder in this book, and may require several reads to allow for time to soak in. I loved that last couple of chapters that I read dealing with gratitude. Erwin spoke of the women who came before Jesus and broke a jar of expensive perfume and washed his feet with it, and correlated his discussion with Peter about what she had done. Speaking of how the issue wasn't necessarily the amount of sin that was forgiven but rather the gratitude of sin forgiven. I am reminded of how much I have to be grateful to Jesus for in my life, for without him choosing to act on my behalf first I wouldn't have the opportunity to experience life. No matter the list of "sins" or the state of our life before Christ we all have the same thing to be grateful for and that is Life, both with Christ now, and the hope for our future after life. I want to continue to strive to remember this in my life and live in a way that will leave others asking why I live a certian way, and I can share of what Christ has done for me. Thanks Jesus.

Revival in the new era

2005-06-13T21:34:00.000-05:00

I sat in our Sunday morning gathering this past week, and listened as a group who went on a mission trip to Domican Republic shared their experiences. One of them shared that the land was about to, or beginning to experience revival. As they shared this I began to think of all of the negative images that came to my mind that were tied to this word. Then I began to think that the word itself wasn't bad. But I began to wonder what this means for us in our current context. What will this look like. I know at least for me it doesn't mean tent revivals looking to see how many "sinner prayers" we can lead people through. Could it be the spread of "goodness" to others in way that inspires us to discuss Jesus and his life. Which may in turn inspire more people to live in the way of the Christ. I am not sure, what I do know is that no matter where we are if revival leads more people to live in the of Christ it is a good thing.

A Lesson in Listening

2005-06-09T21:48:00.000-05:00

So much has happened the last few days, but most interesting was my experience at this conferance that I was attending and happened to also be speaking at. I began by sharing how I wanted to come as the Apostle Paul not with loftly words but with a spirit of humility. And then I went on and began to share my thoughts to which I told them that at any time that they could chuck or take they would be the judge. It was a good time and felt as though I connected with most even though it was a difficult crowd as they were all Senior Pastors, and most were at least 15 years my senior. However they were a couple in which I could tell that the more that I spoke, the more disturbed they got. And then came the Nooma Clip by Rob Bell title "Bullhorn". This was a great clip about "Christians" who are all loud and vocal but haven't embraced the Love that Christ followers should embrace. Instead they use words that seperate and condemn. I didn't speak after the clip at all. The next night one of the senior leaders with in the organization got up and "straightened" it all out. I was proud and sad. Proud that I didn't get angry or hurt that in front of the same group of people who just the night before and came up thanking me for the words that they thought but never spoke, and thanked for freshness that it brought them, these thoughts that I had asked people to openly consider or not. It felt personal even though I know it wasn't. Sad, because this man never stopped long enough to listen. However I know how hard this can be I feel that we are all guilty of it at times. I know that even on the ride home that I got into a heated conversation with someone, and was guilty of not listened myself. However we must continue to strive to listen to one another, even when the vantage point of another angers us. I will continue to strive to do this and hope that others will join and when we fall short and we all will that we stop and take in what others are saying and if we have hurt another by our harsh judgements or word that we will seek forgiveness.

Apathy

2005-06-04T01:51:00.000-05:00

I am struggling a bit to lead a group of people who have identified themselves with a way of life, and have some interest in following Christ yet have little motivation to see this way of life intersect their everyday life. I think we all slide into states of apathy, where we don't care about certian things, but what brings us to that place? Why do we stay there? Is it because we have lost hope, or don't care? Or could relevance be the issue? Has the modern church brought us to this place? I want to believe that there is a change taking place in the midst of our faith communities, and that we will strive to live in a way that inspires one another to continue to seek God a find his life relevent to our lives in a way that we don't stand by and whither away.

The Journey Begins

2005-06-03T14:18:00.000-05:00

Well this is a first for me, though I have read hundreds of different blogs, I held back on my own Blog page but here we go. I hope this will be a place where people of different places and perspectives can dialog and share on life and our interaction with one another. So let the journey begin...